June 2, 2021

I've wanted to blog awhile now but actually doing it is something completely different. So, I'm just going to dive into where I'm at right now.

10 months ago, I was involved in a traumatic event where I ended up getting shot in the arm. What should have been a fun time ended up with thousands of people running around in mass chaos through what resembled a war zone. There were bullets flying around us coming from every direction. We had no way of knowing what direction they were coming from or how many people were actually shooting. We were all in survival mode. When the shooting began, I ran as everyone else did. Within seconds, I felt a sting on my arm assuming someone had kicked up a rock that hit me. I looked down and saw blood. I immediately began looking around to see who's blood was on me. Realizing they all seemed physically fine, I looked down again. That is when I saw my flesh flapped over and knew that it was my blood. I grabbed my arm and lifted it above my head. It all happened so quickly. I never stopped running, Fast forward about 30 minutes, there were still gun shots being fired by multiple people. I was brought to the front on a side-by-side to wait for the ambulances. There was a girl screaming over and over again. I grabbed her hand and prayed over her. Then another victim was brought up. As he got off the back of the truck, he had a look in his eyes that still haunts me to this day. They finally moved me to an ambulance. I rode with a 21-year old man who had been shot in the head. At this time I had no idea how bad it was for him, but as he was slipping in and out of consciousness, I tried to keep him talking. The paramedic that was with us was doing his best but all I could think was, "He cannot die!"

Today, I still have this pesky bullet in my arm. It moves around. When the weather changes, it hurts. It is a daily reminder of what happened. I have flashbacks of gunshots, screams, the look in the guy's eyes and blood dripping down the other guy's face, I have withdrawn from many things I love to do and many people I care about. I don't feel safe enough with anyone to share how I'm really doing for fear of being a burden. I am struggling so desperately with PTSD that I feel like I am drowning. My emotions are all over the place and I honestly have not been able to control them when I am angry or sad. I have tried to reach out but everyone has busy lives and saying "I need help" has been difficult. However, it is up to me to take the steps needed to get help. I am visiting an office today that will potentially get me on the path I need to be on. Today, I am exhausted, but I have hope.

This blog is definitely heavy but I pray someone reads it and knows they aren't alone. I hope following my journey will encourage someone to seek help. If all I do is bring awareness to the silent struggles of PTSD then that is enough.

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